Others Are Depending on You to Be “Healthy Selfish”
How deprioritizing your needs is a disservice to others — and to you.
Whenever a new client describes themself as “high-achieving,” “hard-working,” and “altruistic” (which is a good chunk of the time in my work as a disordered eating recovery coach), my internal alarm bells go off.
Customarily, we praise these types of chivalrous attributes. They paint the picture of someone who wants to contribute something to the world. Our instinct is to believe they’d make a good employee, friend, or life partner.
But basing the core of who you are on satisfying others can have inverse effects if you’re not making deliberate space to also care for yourself. This is true for anyone, but especially for those struggling with mental illness or recovering from an addictive behavior.
“Healthy selfish” is a philosophy I conjured up in my own recovery from an eating disorder. It teaches not only how to be an internal caregiver but also confronts why you need to stop writing off self-care as a glorified privilege.
If you genuinely want to live a fulfilled life, it’s time you start practicing your own version of “healthy selfish.”
From “Self Care” to “Healthy Selfish”
The concept of self-care is just about anything but new. Wellness gurus and mental health practitioners have heavily professed the importance of carving out time to self-soothe, especially during the COVID-19 pandemic, but many people still either struggle to prioritize it or don’t see it as beneficial to their livelihood.
Self-care is often presented to us as behavioral therapy. “Go take a bubble bath,” “Go get a massage,” or “Go buy yourself a new plant.” Certainly, these types of actionable measures have soothing and pleasurable effects. But self-care doesn’t have to start and end with tangible things we do for ourselves — and it’s probably best if it doesn’t.
Expanding the Golden Rule
The Golden Rule teaches us to “treat others the way you wished to be treated.” It’s a wonderful principle, in theory. But if you’re only considering the wants and needs of others and not making room for honoring your own, the Golden Rule can easily become a self-defeating prophecy.
It’s not until we expand the Golden Rule to say “treat others the way you wish to be treated and treat myself the way others wish to be treated” that we can fully reap the benefits of life.
As such, “healthy selfish” isn’t just treating yourself to experiences or things; it’s showing yourself the same compassion, care, and kindness you show to those around you.
How to Be “Healthy Selfish”
I know, the word “selfish” can feel offputting, but we’re applying new meaning to it here. Besides, don’t get caught up in semantics. You can call it whatever you want, but the core objective is to help you see that a life of service is much more gratifying when you’re not running on empty.
1. Keep applying self-care
If that monthly facial and weekly fancy coffee are lifting you up, then, by all means, keep ’em coming! Whatever actionable ways you’ve found to self-soothe are here to stay. Being “healthy selfish” isn’t about taking away — it’s about adding in.
2. Be kind to yourself
Oh boy, did I have a tough time with learning to be kind and compassionate toward myself, but I’m not sure where I’d be had I not mustered my way through it.
Being kind to yourself means reframing or compassionately responding to any self-critical or self-deprecating thoughts that spawn up. Perhaps you can relate to some of these:
- “I can’t believe you sent that email before proofreading it! Everyone’s going to see that typo and think less of you.”
- “You can’t wear that shirt. Your stomach is so unflattering in it.”
- “You’re so lazy for sleeping in again and not doing your yoga practice.”
All the power to you if you can come up with some hard retort like, “No worries, love!” or “Sweetheart, you’re gorgeous — who gives a f*uck!” or “There’s always tomorrow!”
But if it seems unfathomable to you to respond to self-critical thoughts with this level of enthusiasm, you could try reframes like, “Oops, too late to proofread now, but noted for next time,” or “I don’t think this top flatters me as well as some others,” or “Maybe sleeping in was your body telling you in needed rest.”
Showing this type of kindness to yourself improves self-esteem, which increases your motivation to prioritize your own needs and desires.
3. Say “yes” and say “no”
Like with self-care, you’ve likely heard all about the importance of boundary-setting. Personal boundaries help ensure your needs are being met, build self-esteem and conflict resolution skills, and lower stress levels. For people accustomed to saying “yes” to everything, learning to say “no” takes practice, Making it a power move can help.
Confidently (but considerately) say “no” to things that give you a bad feeling, could compromise your well-being, or feel like an obligation. The increased value, trust, respect, and validation you’ll feel is well with any discomfort.
On the flipside, saying “no” too often can spawn feelings of guilt or even be unfavorable, especially for someone battling a mental illness or addiction who needs that regular communal support and connection.
One simple question to ask yourself when struggling between “yes” and “no” is: “What would I advise someone else in my exact situation to do?” As someone with so much experience looking out for others, I have faith you’ll find the answer.
Final Thoughts
Expanding the Golden Rule to account for my own needs was critical to my recovery from a severe eating disorder and my transcendence from a depressed, exhausted, insecure human to a more calm, vibrant, and engaged one. I’ve witnessed this same transformation with so many of my clients who finally start giving some attention to their own exigencies.
And remember, being “healthy selfish” isn’t just about you. It’s simply a reprioritization of your needs so you can continue to be a caring parent, stellar employee, or steadfast friend, only now with an added layer of exuberance and vitality.
Gone are the days when your tank is empty by 3 p.m. Making non-negotiable time and being, deliberate about caring for yourself, being kind and compassionate toward yourself, and setting healthy boundaries will have you coasting on neutral—or, at the very least, limit the time you’re spending in overdrive.
